Our Bright Future

I could see it.  I know the look now.  It's a look that transpires from the thought 'They're lesbians.'

   "So who's his mother?" a friend's young daughter asks one summer evening at a BBQ.

   My wife was ready.  "I'm his mother" she says pointing to our oldest.  "...and I'm his mother" she said pointing to our youngest.

   After a slight pause, this was understood.  But apparently questions remained.

   "Then who's her kid?" she added nodding toward me.

   "I'm his mother" I said pointing to our oldest.  "...and I'm his mother"  I said.

   "We're both their mothers."

   And then, it was all perfectly acceptable.  Remarkably simple and sweet.

Dear New York Vital Records,

   Four years ago my wife gave birth to our first son. The hospital did not have the proper birth certificate form with a space for two mothers available. They told me you would send me the proper records within a few months.

   The end of January, you sent me back a birth certificate listing me as the father. I returned it with a note, the proper forms, and requested that you fix the problem.

   You then sent me back a new birth certificate listing me as the mother - but male. I sent this back again with the proper forms - again - including a copy of my birth certificate, and a note assuring you that my sexuality had little affect on my gender.

   Since then we have had copies of these (albeit inaccurate) records held up in a lawyer's office while my official adopting of my son took place. (We didn't want to wait on that any longer.). The adoption has just recently concluded.

   I understand it is your policy to make parents pay for records beyond a certain date of the birth, however, since much of this delay is due to extremely insulting "errors" on the part of your office, perhaps you would see to it that I receive a proper birth certificate from you finally for free of these erroneous charges and perhaps even with some haste and diligence to get it right this time?

   Thank you kindly for your ownership.

   Alison -------, Mother (FEMALE)

My Wife's Big Mouth

   Just in case we were wavering in our decision to move to Mineola, NY today the universe provided provided some insight into that decision.  Even after the years (almost decades) of being with my wife, she still occasionally shocks me.

   Lounging around the park with the kids after an open house today, we were discussing the pros and cons of this decision and happened to be amidst a group of teenagers when one boy calls another the dreaded "f" word.  Without missing a beat my wife launches into a very loud conversation that she hoped that kind of language wasn't typical of the area.  I'm not certain her passive aggressiveness registered because a similar slur erupted within a few minutes.  This launched my wife out of her seat to announce her objections of the local vocabulary as well as our sensitive statuses as lesbian moms.  I found myself braced and frozen on my bench trying not to be obvious about my interest in the expressions these events would incite not just on the phobic teenagers but also on the young couple we'd been sharing this play set with for the past 5 formerly quiet minutes.  Turns out there was no objection made either by that couple (at least toward us) nor the mess of teenagers we were amongst - at least not right away.  It was a park and there was a fair going on, so there was an ebb and flow as people going and coming on their respective ways but amongst the chatter there arose a voice of one teen objection.  He was passing the few teens who had originally committed the infraction and who were now hurriedly leaving the park.  It was a lower conversational tone at first and then rose into obvious proud projection.  He was reminding someone of the need to "watch your mouth in public" and reprimanding them for not thinking before they speak.  He was defending us.
I'm ashamed to say that it was only at this point that I turned around to really face this neighborhood as the out and "proud" lesbian mom I have come to - aspire to be.  My wife, already facing them, thanked them and expressed appreciation for the young man's maturity.  The kid went even farther to say the exact thing we were so grateful to hear.  "Those kids are not representative of this community."
   What followed was a wash of young teenage girls in this young man's wake all smiling and commenting in how cute our boys were.  As they passed I searched their faces for any hint of sarcasm.  And I didn't find any.  I actually saw only genuine sincerity, even a certain empathy for us.  Even later, talking to some other families, our sexuality never even came out and yet had to be obvious.  Not a flicker of reserve.  No acceptance requested nor granted.  Nothing about that label even seemed to require energy.  Just commonalities (schools, houses, mortgage interest rates, etc.).
   'I guess we could live here' I thought.  Even with my wife's big mouth.  Lol.  I love you Honey!

Link to JP Howard Interview

http://www.gayparentmag.com/digital-downloads/january-february-2014-issue-92-digital-download

The Right Questions

You try to raise them right. You create a happy home despite every obstacle facing two mommies, a little brother and a cat. You go to church on Sundays and Tot Shabbat on Friday nights. Yet still they pick all kinds of stuff up off the streets! Kody has picked up that boys kiss only girls, and vice versa.


The other day, Grandpa bought Kody a couple Kermit and Fozzy dolls from the Disney Store. My wife Amy, pretending the two dolls were excited to know they were going home together, had the Kermit kiss Fozzy. That's when my beautiful, sweet, innocent 4 1/2 year old son without missing a beat said "Fozzy's not a girl!"



Really. And it's been consistent. This weedy heterosexist paradigm has taken root right in my own son's brain! My boy who wouldn't even exist without the help of a home cut syringe and a Dixie cup just indirectly passed judgement on me and his Ema! It's gotten me thinking all week about what it would take to combat this. Just this morning, on the way to work I heard a transgender woman of color talking on the radio about the violence she experienced upon arrival to our "progressive" New York City, and found myself agreeing with her assertion that as many different people as there are here, as much tolerance as we assume, no where have we experienced more blind prejudice as there is right here! Just as she was targeted and beaten right in the same area where the Stonewall Riots changed the course of our cultural history, I too, have experienced backstabbing and blatant homophobia as well. In addition, almost 500 gay men were attacked last year here in New York City alone. And sometimes, the phobics are sneakier, limiting our career trajectories, isolating us socially, even sometimes unintentionally. TV images are not enough. Marriage "Equality" is not even enough. When prejudice and ignorance are backed by history, religion, and law – what can stop them? We have come so very far, yet we truly have so very far to go.



The fact remains that heterosexists don't watch "Will and Grace." And heterosexists miss that flash of a gay family in a sauna during the store scene of Disney's Frozen (shoot, even I did!) Heterosexists, in fact, rarely even realize they're heterosexist! Why would they? Their kids don't assume Mom and Dad are siblings!


I was upset. But then a seemingly unrelated event this week gave me an idea.


Back in the days when I was first struggling with the realization that I was in fact attracted to women, I came across a cable TV show called Queer as Folk.


Amy and I both did, and we watched week-by-week, learning, judging, sometimes laughing with the characters. Some of it was problematic. It was hard not to react emotionally to the misogyny. Most of it was raunchy. But it was in fact an interesting, well written, hot show. The day we really got hooked was the day the last episode of season one aired. That episode we watched with jaws dropped as the main couple, Brian and Justin, danced to the tune of "Save the Last Dance" in front of all Justin's Catholic High School peers - at Justin's Prom!


Maybe this sounds humdrum to you. But there are so many romantic situations that scare the homophobic (even the out queer ones) to their very cores, and imagining having to face the fear of dancing - and dancing in front of straight people - and dancing in front of straight people at something as traditional as a prom - a CATHOLIC school prom --- it stops you right in your tracks! Even them - two beautiful, fit, rhythmic gay men (who could possibly be better dancers?) - to watch them together was a moment in my life I will never forget. I was stunned, dumbfounded. It wasn't a fancy dance. There was no theatrics. They were just two guys, both in suits, who happened to love each other, dancing. They had every right and yet it's the kind of scene that forces you to examine your expectations - your prejudices - your insecurities. And they do it so well, so eloquently, that by the end you want to leap out of your seat and cheer them on (at least I did) because the process of watching that dance is healing.


This gave me the idea.


Queer as Folk just finally came out on Netflix. I put it on. It was just playing on my phone but Kody loves music. I think he's attracted to all things classic.


"What's that music coming from Mom?" he asked like clockwork.


"A show" I said.


"Oh, a show. Can I see?"


Perfect.


I watched his eyes adjust to the image. I watched with poised expectation. Yup. That was indeed two men - dancing - the Fox Trot. I let the image settle into his mind.


"They love each other." I casually mentioned. "Isn't that sweet?"


"Yes" he said. He watched a little longer, and then eventually moved on to other things as any 4 year old would.



But, that was a moment. And there will be others. I just have to seize every opportunity. (And, incidentally for anyone trying this at home, I highly recommend fast forwarding until just after Brian's conversation with Daphne as he cut in. There's some language in that part I'd forgotten to be a tad inappropriate.)


We need more than the right questions though. We need the right images.


And we need them everywhere!