You try to raise them right. You create a happy home despite every obstacle facing two mommies, a little brother and a cat. You go to church on Sundays and Tot Shabbat on Friday nights. Yet still they pick all kinds of stuff up off the streets! Kody has picked up that boys kiss only girls, and vice versa.
The other day, Grandpa bought Kody a couple Kermit and Fozzy dolls from the Disney Store. My wife Amy, pretending the two dolls were excited to know they were going home together, had the Kermit kiss Fozzy. That's when my beautiful, sweet, innocent 4 1/2 year old son without missing a beat said "Fozzy's not a girl!"
Really. And it's been consistent. This weedy heterosexist paradigm has taken root right in my own son's brain! My boy who wouldn't even exist without the help of a home cut syringe and a Dixie cup just indirectly passed judgement on me and his Ema! It's gotten me thinking all week about what it would take to combat this. Just this morning, on the way to work I heard a transgender woman of color talking on the radio about the violence she experienced upon arrival to our "progressive" New York City, and found myself agreeing with her assertion that as many different people as there are here, as much tolerance as we assume, no where have we experienced more blind prejudice as there is right here! Just as she was targeted and beaten right in the same area where the Stonewall Riots changed the course of our cultural history, I too, have experienced backstabbing and blatant homophobia as well. In addition, almost 500 gay men were attacked last year here in New York City alone. And sometimes, the phobics are sneakier, limiting our career trajectories, isolating us socially, even sometimes unintentionally. TV images are not enough. Marriage "Equality" is not even enough. When prejudice and ignorance are backed by history, religion, and law – what can stop them? We have come so very far, yet we truly have so very far to go.
The fact remains that heterosexists don't watch "Will and Grace." And heterosexists miss that flash of a gay family in a sauna during the store scene of Disney's Frozen (shoot, even I did!) Heterosexists, in fact, rarely even realize they're heterosexist! Why would they? Their kids don't assume Mom and Dad are siblings!
I was upset. But then a seemingly unrelated event this week gave me an idea.
Back in the days when I was first struggling with the realization that I was in fact attracted to women, I came across a cable TV show called Queer as Folk.
Amy and I both did, and we watched week-by-week, learning, judging, sometimes laughing with the characters. Some of it was problematic. It was hard not to react emotionally to the misogyny. Most of it was raunchy. But it was in fact an interesting, well written, hot show. The day we really got hooked was the day the last episode of season one aired. That episode we watched with jaws dropped as the main couple, Brian and Justin, danced to the tune of "Save the Last Dance" in front of all Justin's Catholic High School peers - at Justin's Prom!
Maybe this sounds humdrum to you. But there are so many romantic situations that scare the homophobic (even the out queer ones) to their very cores, and imagining having to face the fear of dancing - and dancing in front of straight people - and dancing in front of straight people at something as traditional as a prom - a CATHOLIC school prom --- it stops you right in your tracks! Even them - two beautiful, fit, rhythmic gay men (who could possibly be better dancers?) - to watch them together was a moment in my life I will never forget. I was stunned, dumbfounded. It wasn't a fancy dance. There was no theatrics. They were just two guys, both in suits, who happened to love each other, dancing. They had every right and yet it's the kind of scene that forces you to examine your expectations - your prejudices - your insecurities. And they do it so well, so eloquently, that by the end you want to leap out of your seat and cheer them on (at least I did) because the process of watching that dance is healing.
This gave me the idea.
Queer as Folk just finally came out on Netflix. I put it on. It was just playing on my phone but Kody loves music. I think he's attracted to all things classic.
"What's that music coming from Mom?" he asked like clockwork.
"A show" I said.
"Oh, a show. Can I see?"
Perfect.
I watched his eyes adjust to the image. I watched with poised expectation. Yup. That was indeed two men - dancing - the Fox Trot. I let the image settle into his mind.
"They love each other." I casually mentioned. "Isn't that sweet?"
"Yes" he said. He watched a little longer, and then eventually moved on to other things as any 4 year old would.
But, that was a moment. And there will be others. I just have to seize every opportunity. (And, incidentally for anyone trying this at home, I highly recommend fast forwarding until just after Brian's conversation with Daphne as he cut in. There's some language in that part I'd forgotten to be a tad inappropriate.)
We need more than the right questions though. We need the right images.
And we need them everywhere!
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