Love that shirt

    A little while ago at work I on a break sitting with a coworker as a friend just watching as students walked toward us for phone surrender.  We are not generally petty but one student in particular came in with this ridiculous shirt that had sparkly hand prints on each breast.  It was sad that a shirt like this was ever even made but even worse on this day that it was worn by a student with developmental issues.  My friend and I don’t usually criticize apparel but this fashion crime was too egregious.  Neither of us could stop ourselves from literally discussing out loud even at work how awful this shirt looked even as this student walked toward us, and I admit this wasn’t our finest professional moment, but what happened next really struck me:

   “Love the shirt” my friend said.  

   My friend, who I knew had said this as an unconscious reflex,  took a moment (once the kid passed by) to she find my glare and realize the irony.  It was one thing to share how hideous we both thought the shirt was (and the fact that no one had stopped this child from wearing it to school!) but another to actually compliment to offense.

   Later that same day, I was on a shared phone call with my wife when she said something about a mutual acquaintance in a similar fashion, and then proceeded to compliment that person on the exact thing she’d critiqued moments before with me.  These two incidents back to back got me thinking: how often do people do this?

   I’ve mentioned here how illogical I find judgement in general be.  That being said, I’m aware both of how hypocritical it is of me to even judge judging, and how easy it is to forget how generally wrong most judgment is.  But adding a compliment to the top of one’s unconscious reflex is something of a new curtain I felt I was peeking behind.

   But this has really become something of a problem for me.  I make it a point to compliment.  If there’s something that stands out about a person, some notable impression, I push a little more than most to express that whenever possible.  It’s kind of a compulsion.  I genuinely believe it’s a duty to relay a message like that and I will shoulder the possible critique or social fallout that might ensue from the practice.  It’s important, I believe, to our evolution.  

   But am I naive I’m now wondering?  Do others compliment just out of hand?  Is this one of those social mores I missed growing up?  (I’ve been told that my upbringing was lacking etiquette before.)  Is this part of the reason why so many thwart compliments?  Because I’d always thought that people did that due to a lack of self esteem.  Could it be that they do it both due to a lack of self esteem and an awareness that compliments are really insults in disguise?

   This internal inquiry has really affected me.  I mean I occasionally dabble in real life social exchanges.  I compliment and have been complimented.  I joke with my family as we live day to day exchanging authentic compliments while sustaining the occasional genuine jab.  It’s part of our private support system.  But now, I find myself suspicious of many outside compliments.  

   Don't get me wrong, I still love me a good compliment.  And even if some are social reflexes or products of a slow moving positivity fad, that doesn’t discredit all.

   But I feel genuinely curious, how can we know?  Does it just become a product of who we really trust?  Could my suspicion negate the gravity I allot to compliments from strangers or new acquaintances?  Could I inadvertently be passing along a faulty compass to my children?  Am I passing the buck of a lacking etiquette?