Expectation

Expectation really rots the root.  

My dad just died this week and I’m inundated with people writing, texting, calling and coming to console the best they can.  It’s funny because I keep hearing stories from people about how they either had to make agonizing decisions for their loved ones in this very complex modern age, or they lost a parent.  I already lost a parent though, so the medical stuff knocked me for a loop.  But the parent thing - is different. It’s even different with different parents. And different - whether it’s death, or the unknown, newness or thought - lends perspective.

My dad and I had a complicated relationship.  My uncle nailed it once when he told me what the exact problem was.  One word: expectation.  

And. He. Was. So. Right.  

Nothing takes you farther away from life than expectation.  

When you’re in a relationship, you start expecting something (Maybe it’s an action or a thing of some sort? Maybe it’s a role or a comparison?) Maybe we can’t help it.  Maybe it’s natural.  Thing is, without intervention, you may rarely receive this thing at all let alone receive it exactly as you’d dreamed it up.  Think about all the possibilities out there that might happen. What are the fundamental chances your exact expectation will just come to be?  

You may have choices.  They may not be choices you prefer.  Sometimes, we don’t even see our choices because we develop habits and routines and personalities around how we handle these situations.  We decide to get pissed, or communicate needs, or judge, or walk away, nod, hug or handshake. Ignore.

Even in a moment or a conversation, if you’re expecting anything at all; you missed it!  You’re already thinking about what you’re expecting, so you’re not really there.  There’s a time for everything and thought is great but thinking is not being.  Expectation usurps experience, and what is life but a conglomeration of experiences?  Life is empirical.  God, angels, answers, progression - come through the moment you all too often miss because you were so focused on what you thought would, or should, or could happen.  You are not God.  Not fully.  No god thinks.  God knows. For what it’s worth, the one expectation that I’ve come to embrace, is that.