Remote Learning

There are these truths that I find myself repeating over and over to students and parents of remote learners which I thought might be worth gathering and trying to organize.  One thing this pandemic has taught me to do is to value my own contribution to this world in a way that is counterintuitive to many white women like me.  We are often not poised to feel confident in our thoughts but these axioms do not seem harmful, and others have found them useful to consider.

Remote Learning is probably here in some form or another to stay.

First thing first we must face the facts.  Remote learning is a new reality.  It may currently be your only option, and that may be temporary, but biding your time and ignoring Meet after Zoom, after text, after email, after phone calls from teachers, from teacher’s aids, from school staff and from school administration is only going to further delay your own evolution.  Students procrastinating their studies, parents procrastinating their parenting need heed these facts.  Vaccines maybe on their way but they won’t be for everybody, and their protection may not even last.  And even if there are enough of us to achieve a kind of herd immunity, the kids cannot yet be vaccinated.  And even if next year they can, or numbers go low enough it is possible, even likely that a new set of circumstances could put us right back in this position.  Especially, if enough of us refuse to evolve past our fears.

Face your fears.  This one keeps coming up for me.  Fear of speaking.  Fear of turning a camera on.  Fear of the accidental unmute.  Fear of having often a written recording of even the most mundane interactions.  Fear of the pause.  Fear of remote status.  Fear of losing remote status.  Everywhere you look there is fear both ways.  Life is and has always been full of fear.  Our kids were facing an epidemic of anxieties before any threat of of any coronavirus.  They know the reigns will be theirs soon, consciously or not.  What tools were we giving them?  What direction were we headed?

See the bigger picture.  The complacency we felt before was not real.  Society was falling, not flying.   But hope is not a choice.  It’s a necessity.  Things could not have continued the way they were going.  We would not have survived.  The environment must be paid attention.  Oppression based on social location is unjust.  An unjust society breaches the social contract and will not endure.  Sustainability of power is key - in your world, in your family, in your relationships, in yourself.  Everyone needed to stop and think about what they were doing.  Humanity was put in a time out.

So embrace the chaos.  Chaos is nature’s way of righting wrongs.  It’s natural.  Don’t be consumed by the storm.  Be your own storm.  Take this time to dig deep inside yourself, and your family dynamics.  Put yourself in therapy (we could all use a little therapy).  You can do it via Zoom!  Journal!  Journal until your hand gets tired.  You’re living through a global pandemic.  This is the stuff history is made of.  Read.  Explore.  Experiment.  Grow.  If we’re going to make it we’ll value the way we did.  And why not?  You busy?  You got someplace else to be?

Have patience.  This is a biggie.  Everything - every little thing requires patience.  All too often in life we are reacting as opposed to acting.  Adults do what they believe they need to do as opposed to what they want.  Students are punished as opposed to understood and supported.  Technology can be frustrating but in each frustration there is opportunity to learn and grow.  Ironically the world won’t crumble if your wifi drops.  We’ve all come light years from where we started.  Students on government aid are now issued school laptops.  Access to the web has almost become a right.  When that access is glitched, attention is paid.  We are becoming more and more energetically connected.

So take your time.  Learn to value the coincidences.  Listen to the lessons your life is teaching you.  What are you doing?  What is it you are trying to learn in school?  Why?  What are you working towards?  Teachers are not babysitters.  They are resources.  You are your own resource, including your questions.  Subjects are all languages whether it’s English or Spanish, Mandorin, mathematics, science or coding.  You progress with your peers not just to see their faces, or to navigate the consuming nuances of social interactions and be safe until your guardians return.  You are there to progress yourself.  You must actively learn to connect and communicate.  If not, that’s sus.

Value connection.  After all this time this one may be the easiest.  It’ll feel weird and it’ll take careful thought and consideration, but sooner or later, we’ll be together again.  And this time it’s going to feel different.  This time, we’re going to talk about what we’re really feeling.  We’ll be armed with more evolved vocabulary and we’ll value the pause.  We had no choice.  We all went through this together and it changed our trajectory.  I’m really looking forward to it.  We’ll stop thoughtlessly shaking hands with strangers, and finally we’ll all embrace as friends.  

My Story

It’s so crazy who is allowed to tell their stories.  

I miss my uncle.  I remember him regaling us nightly with captivating stories from his adventures at work.  He was always the hero of these stories, and he perhaps as a result became my hero.  The love and comfort he provided me? - was honestly what saved me from feeling completely broken off this world.  He was dynamic, and loving, authentic, and smart.  It took about a year for me to even feel anything but grief after he died.  That was two years ago now.

How about this pandemic, huh?  I’m just gonna say it: I’m kinda enjoying myself.  I mean it’s all in the perspective, right?  Gotta find silver linings.  No more waking up at 5AM to not exercise and make breakfasts; driving 3 hours a day in commute.  Now I wake at 2 even when I’m so tired and battle week long migraines from staring at screens.  And people are dying.

Feeling alone.  Lucky, but still we’re all profoundly isolated.  Facing demons.  I’m personally trying to rethink everything so I can emerge like a good white woman should (biodegradable laundry detergent on subscription, reusable plastic sealed in happy bees wax, glass jars everywhere again...  There’s even talk of composting.  But there’s little escape suddenly from control issues, power issues, tempers.

I have no physical prowess.  I used to feel strong but I no longer feel even that gender dysphoric compensation.  I’m long passed wearing anything but flats, my hair is what it is and the answer to which “lines” would be the ones to grace my face?  Turned out to be wonder lines.

As a teacher somewhere I realized I am not the “expert” teacher.  I am the relatable support.  I’m a Special Education Generalist, which means I’m an expert of nothing, but I know how to learn.  This works only if I’m honest.  Only if I stay ethical.  That means no lying.  That means facing the fallout of every mistake.  Asking for forgiveness.

See, this is Hell.  Realizing this I started to feel crazy.  Friends go with you so far, but in the end - it’s party banter.  It’s become much, much more for me.  I began to see that if we choose our own realities than I must have chosen this pandemic.  Smh... stupid!  But then I had to really think - was that true?  All this suffering I sometimes “see” - am I creating that?  Choosing that??  Energizing that???

A “friend” strongly suggested therapy.  So this has been fun.  My wife and I had similar childhoods.  We both emerged siding with patriarchal judgments as opposed to apathetic feelings.  But there’s a lot there for both of us.  I’m all about truth because it took me so long to uncover it, but, like packing up my uncle’s house felt, there are these boxed issues all around me: grief.  abandonment, isolation, rape.  

So I’ve come to learn, that I have control issues.  My property became my boundary.  2020 became the year I became an expert.  All those floundering years of college when I majored in philosophy and learned the nuances of epistemology - I knew the only thing to fear was that nobody knew.  Everyone is fallible.  Nobody cares enough.  

Maybe it stemmed from my issues.  Maybe it’s energized by thought.  There is nobody I trust.  There is nobody, anyone, always trusts.

So I face the fears.  I have rules.  Boundaries!  I have power over my wife and children.  (She’s gonna lose it on me when this makes it’s way to her!)  But I did.  I do.  Thank God.  She empowers me.  

So do they, my beautiful boys.  I haven’t screwed them up yet enough to ruin that.

We are hunkered.  We are remote.  We have schedules.  We adapt.  We learn.  We are thriving despite...

I think maybe therapy has lead me back to this creative drive.  I have no illusions of grandeur.  I do have an intense appreciation for the process.  The only way to face a world-wide epidemically-proportioned fear of death is to live.  Access the only thing we ever know we can - the moment.  Face the issues.  Employ patience.  Find something worth anything to leave behind if it comes to it.

So I’m reaching out.  Sharing my truths if I can.  Trying to do no harm (really tripping over that one!)  Attending the questions.  What if there are no homosexuals in Heaven?  What if pride really goeth before the fall?  Maybe everything I’ve come to have faith in is bullshit.  What if it’s not?  How far can I stretch my solipsistic existence?  With all the power I can muster, what can I trust?  How can I grow to become trustworthy?  Do my stories have merit?

I’d be nothing without her.  I’d have zero access to me.  That really wasn’t a choice I made.  It was an amazing connective discovery.  Having children expanded it.  Maybe this is Hell.  Does that mean we give up?  I say no.  Am I right?  

Tears don’t callus.

They say children who’s parents die when they’re young cry more readily.

I think about things like that - especially before or after therapy.  Been in and out over various things mainly because we evolved as a result of our disposition to connect.  

And that’s what an orphan (even half orphan) understands.

Old wound.  Feels like a Scarlet letter sometimes.  Can I ever put my story down?  Just be ...alive ...in a moment?

So I strive to connect.  I reach out all the time.  I’ve learned the wisdom of closing doors but I never keep them locked.  I pause.  I reflect.  I listen to the universe’s messages now.  I love my new faith.  I come back when I can.

The cover of the jacuzzi blows over me in my morning meditation.  

Scares the shit out of me because it felt like a reminder of the inevitable.  Time could be up.

Worked.  That’s just what I needed to get out of my narrative and experience a moment.

Listen to me... jacuzzi.  People are dying out there.  What have I to complain about?

You have a right to be happy.  

Does feel lately like I’m getting pinned to a cross.  I see anger, I assuage anger... I’m not allowed to be angry though.  I still apologize before I’m sorry.  But I am sorry.

Nanette.  What genius.  What dynamic unfolding of the wisdom beyond?

Just shared a unique perspective on my grandma with her estranged daughter (my aunt).  Very likely a mistake because she may focus on some small unintended slight not appreciate that I’m on my journey too,  But I tried my best to convey it honestly and without harm.  Keeps me growing.  Reflecting now I can see possible purpose in my truth if it in anyway sparks a thought of forgiveness between them.  Perhaps that might help heal the decades of strife they shared.

Decades they shared.

I cry again.  Drop of hat.  Hot fresh tears pouring over my first wound.

Tears don’t callus.

You know what I mean.

I’m from...

...sizzling concrete streets and cracked fire hydrants.  I’m from metal fire escapes, stoops, bent Cat Tails and heavy grating and metal doors.  

I’m also from old tire swings, and padded pine beds, warm cow flop, blueberries, and Lilacs.  I’m from rustling rivers, icy country lakes, sunk and sticky mud.  I’m from Snapple Facts, bagels, and pizza, and bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches.  I’m Everything by the Bangles, Bon Jovi, Family Ties verses Growing Pains, Empire, Jedi, Deanna and both Crushers.  I’m from Zapped, The Lost Boys, Point Break and Reality Bites. I’m Before Sunrise.  I’m My Dinner with Andre.  I’m Contact.  

I am from Astoria, Queens; Auburndale, Bayside, and Franny Lew.  I’m from West Bubblefuck in the Catskills.  I’m from Honesdale, Pennsylvania, and the Wayne County Fair.  I’m from lawn mowers and weed wackers, cut grass and chopped wood.  I'm the Fourth of July and Christmas, broken plastic face masks, eggs and shaving cream.  Carnivals, St. Patrick, and Steuben Day Parades.  I’m the sweet songs of a thousand crickets.  Smoky cooking fires, sparkling touchable bright white stars.  I’m from late night conversations on hills, and basements by TV light.  I’m mythological. I’m a star in a constellation.  I’m the cold crazy of a Polar Bear.  I’m the warmth of a glowing full moon.

I’m from the Boomers’ Tony and Laura, Tony and Marianne, and later, just from Tony.  I'm from my Dynamic Uncle Dany and my Granny, “The Boss.”  I’m Pudding Face from wind pudding and air sauce and the Good Stuff Restaurant, a mother bird feeds her young, and everybody and his brother.  I'm from Pinochle, Mille Bourne, Candyland, Clue.  I’m  Curious George hanging by his tail and the monocled Monopoly man.  From Pong to Pitfall,  BASICA to Windows.  I’m from cheap cigars, Half n Half pipe tobacco, Schaefer Beer and Marlboro Lights.  I’m charcoal art class, drafting class, and cutting class.  I'm from Great Adventure, the Greatest American Hero, and Great Falls, Montana.  I’m from the under the boardwalk.  I’m from the smell of bacon, spinach with eggs, ham swirls, garlic and onion powder, Polly-O Mozzarella Cheese, grandma’s meat balls and deep, deep, deep dish pizza without onions or mushrooms.  Really, I’m from Native American Tarot Cards, skinny dipping, and Jesus.  I’m from a 2x6 kiddy pool with 5’ inflatable plastic dolphin.  I’m from flight school and the Top Gun Soundtrack.  I’m from the tracks.  I’m from trees, rocks and rooftops.  I’m from all the inner and outer crevices of all of it.

If I was in Charge...

Feeling pretty empowered lately, (even if no one is reading this) and I thought I’m gonna give some thought to what I would change if I were in charge.  This is just a brain dump, a vision quest.  Why not?

   If I were in charge:

There would be no Electoral College!  One human/one vote unless she’s pregnant.  (Just kidding).  One adult = one vote.  Let politicians work NY and LA and then hop around the rest of you for a while.

There would be a modest living stipend for all based on an equal spread of the GDP.  Incentivize careers of genuine interest and stop child hunger.

There would be mandatory vasectomies for all men 18 years of age.  It’s easily reversible and a lot healthier than birth control or abortion.  Offer an extra living stipend at least to any woman accidentally impregnated.   I’m a lesbian mother of two boys and I’d agree to this!

No more Daylight Savings Time.  Enough already.  What are we saving?  It’s the same amount of daylight!

A lot of things we’ve learned to do in quarantine ahould continue.  Online/blended school, for example, quite frankly rocks.  Lessons are succinct.  There’s much more onus on the student to branch out independently.  We’re all learning technology.  It’s almost a no pollute commute.  And I get to hear my kids’ scholastic experiences.  It opens room for prior knowledge connections, easier and more successful classroom management techniques.  If we could arrange to safely be near each other for after school activities they would take in a whole new level of meaning and quality social interaction.  I say keep this whole paradigm!  Anybody who doesn’t think think this is real school doesn’t really understand how authentic learning can develop.

Use existing school buildings exactly as they are currently being used - clean (and make them cleaner like with real air filters), technological hubs of less populated day care and after school activity centers.

Two words: Flat tax.  7% sounds good.  You’re welcome!

Term limits on ALL public offices.  And no advertising!  Make them quit fundraising and do something for a change.  We’ll seek out the ones we want.  

Make cars electric.  All of ‘em!  Should have been this way 100 years ago!

Make all sunny roofs solar.  Use the rest as public reservoirs.

Park a few windmills here and there.  (For when it rains).

Free college for all public service or sustainable innovation.

Free healthcare for all non smokers.

There.  That’s it for now.  Stay tuned for updates.  Feel free to use the comments.  Change my mind about any of these, and I’ll send you a free subscription.

Peace.

Kody Got Jokes Yo

 So Biden/Harris “Swat the Lies” Fly Swatter gift was a mega hit with Kody, and discussion of it lead to a funny drop mic moment:

   This morning, he goes “I love this fly swatter!  I think I love this fly swatter more than anything.  Well, not anything.  Not more than I love my family.  There’s nothing I love more than my family.”

   Amy goes Well, what about other people?”

   “Not more than my family.”

   “It’s okay to love other people as much as your family.”

  Without missing a beat and just walking away “Yes but I’m not old enough.”

Later this morning:

   Amy and I are battling post awesome celebratory day hangover headaches and Kody's still in party mode.  Amidst his elation he got a bit loud, and Amy asked him to tone it down.  He goes "Ema, I think we better 'Irish up your coffee.'"  

   Shocked, I go "Kody we gotta stop you watching the 'Simpsons'"

   "What?  Lucky Charms!"

   Amy visibility relaxed.

   ...at which point Kody added "Or alcohol."

Life doesn’t change. We do.

Life doesn't change much, does it? When I was a kid there were bullies and safe havens, villains and heroes. There were expectations to deny, and betrayals to endure. Now that I'm halfway through it, I can't help but continually notice that it's all still exactly the same. The bullies aren't impulsive, insecure, thoughtless little boys from class anymore, as much as they are spoiled, rich, selfish presidents for me and the angry, short-sighted, ego maniacs that follow his example. 

   Life is a manifestation of the living. And we become exactly what we fear. The difference is me. Every day I get up and try to juggle everything thrown my way with as much grace as I can muster. There are lines in my sand however. I keep borders I will not allow trespassed, and I don't build walls. I declare decrees. I arm guards. I strategize. You can negotiate your way in, but it won't be easy. There will be slow and deliberate security checks. I will get you in so far there will be no escape.  You will have been worthy, or you won't get out. I'm no kid anymore. I know you. I am you. And I'll make us both think. 

   But this year has taught me how much each moment counts. Every move we make creates reality. I find I'm juggling the contents of my inbox as usual, trying to improve habits, snatching happiness as I find it, and working toward creating more when I can; but the universe tosses in an old bully now and then, and I'm forced to defend myself. The trick, I think that I've come to own this year, is to not fear being as slow and deliberate about my own steps as I need to be. I pay precise attention to myself, my insecurities, my selfishness, my ego; and I try (I don't always succeed because I am fierce) but I try, to keep them in check.  The truth, I am learning, is that they are the real enemies, and by "them" I really mean me. And that has made all the difference. Because there are no real borders. There never were.  It's all real, but manifested; awesome and terrible. It's life. And I have kids. I made children - very deliberately.  I chose it for them, and I'm devoted to defending that decision. 

   But what a magical ride it really is underneath I've come to find. It's as fantastical as every fairy tale I read them. And as dire.