So I recently lived a chain of events that lead me to a place where I'm wondering if this is true.
When we first succumbed to the reality that if I was to carry a child for this family, the other half would have to be "store-bought" so to speak, I was pretty devastated. I mean it sounds good: you can pick and choose eye colors, hair and body types, skin tones... For any who don't know, sperm - that illustrious ingredient us lesbians mostly spent high school hiding from - can now cost us a small bundle. Mine ran me about $500 a ..."Pop" (pardon) but I was even considering one guy who wanted $2000!
He had the "bells and whistles": green eyes (nice, unusual) CMV negative (a virus they test for so we don't first get it pregnant), open ID and a long resume leading up to a phD in Cancer research. It's interesting to see the stuff that matters when things that usually do, just don't anymore.
I wound up deciding on a guy who checked off all our "boxes" but who's adult pic was not available. (It was significantly cheaper, as it was a local NYC bank. I could pick it up myself if I returned the tank after). I literally saw his profile just the night before I was picking up (I'd been searching profiles for years). This guy was a perfect match for my wife in ethnicity. He didn't have the green eye color I thought was cool, but he seemed good in math (which I am not). I ordered his baby pic which was to be delivered the next morning, and told myself if it was half way decent, this was it.
The next morning I looked into this guy's eyes. They actually reminded me of my wife's! He had her skin tone too. I just said "Ok". It felt like the day I'd gone Skydiving. Sometimes, you just gotta do it!
Three years later now, and due to circumstances I'm shocked by, I know who he is. I'm not going to say I didn't play a small part in the investigation, but of all the lesbian mommies I know who used donor sperm to conceive, of all the giant picnics and annual "family" get- togethers, and the picture montages designed to reveal the features of the unknown, nobody I knew had found the actual guy.
But I have. I'm not gonna publish all the details, but suffice to say my real motivation was just to see an adult picture. The first bank we'd really considered offered them and it annoyed me since one guy I'd been set on turned out very different from his beautiful baby pic. My donor is very good looking. He seems sweet and he's very smart. If I knew him personally I'd be proud as I've glimpsed some of his projects and accomplishments and I can relate to his motivations. And, well he helped me make an awesome kid!
Niky still looks mostly like me but it's funny that the ears are what I matched instantly (after some other factors seriously narrowed down the possible suspects), but it's nice the way things work out.
Except now, I have another problem. I'm a very open person and anyone who really knows me knows how close that is to a religion for me. I now know this guy's name, phone number, work address, etc. (It's absolutely shocking what you can find on the Internet even if you're just browsing for it!) The question is: What do I tell Niky? And when?
I seem to have plummeted myself into a real ethical dilemma. I mean Niky's probably gonna ask. Do I admit to the knowledge? Is that fair to the kid? - To our relationship? What if I wait until Niky's 18 (as per the open ID bank agreement) and this guy dies or something first? Will Niky forgive me?
And what about the guy? He didn't sign up for a real kid or, more specifically, that kid's childhood. I know he knows kids might be "out there" of his (he may even know how many) but is it fair to expose him to this knowledge? Would he feel scared or angry or even maybe too happy by this news? I mean we never signed up for a "Daddy."
It's interesting, and I have time. It's just funny how a little knowledge, could maybe be a little too much.
Our motivation was twofold: an adult pic, and to know the guy was somewhat normal, not completely lying all over his profile. It was kind of the last piece in the puzzle to make us feel confident in our choice before we move ahead. Does that mean it was ethically right? No, but it's such a gray area, who can say? It is what it is - no one was hurt, we're leaving it alone now, and we feel much more comfortable and confident making such a huge decision. Even though I'm a little weirded out, I can't say I wouldn't do it all over again.
ReplyDeleteWe, too, though have been trying to figure out the implications for our future kid. I do feel that we did something outside the bounds of what the guy signed up for, and that out of gratitude and respect for his gift to us, we will respect his boundaries. If he dies when our kid is 17, that really sucks - but that's just a risk of life. He's not a "father" that I'm preventing my kid from knowing. He's a donor and these were the terms of his agreement, and that's how it works. We're lucky he's willing for us to know him at all, ever. I don't think it's fair to meddle prematurely without his consent, to get him involved in something that he can never un-know or uninvolve himself in, to involve ourselves or our kid with him and potentially totally mess with his head and freak him out or even mix up his whole life. I have an obligation to protect this person who did something remarkable to help us make a family; I think we owe it to him, and my kid is going to have to accept and understand that even if he/she doesn't find it easy to deal with. It's the right thing to do (in my opinion) and I have to teach what's right even when it's not easy, isn't that the challenge of parenting?
I didn't get his phone number or address. I stopped at seeing his name and job, and I don't even remember his job now. Or even how to spell his last name. And in 15 years, I probably definitely won't. I'll keep that info and some adult pics in a tucked away folder on my computer so that I know it's there, but I don't want it in the forefront of my mind. So someday I can honestly tell my kid "yeah, I did look him up out of curiosity and I could get the info again, but I don't think I should. you're gonna have to wait til you're 18, kid, you'd want the same respect if it was you on the other end."
that's the plan for now, anyway.