Sunday, June 10, 2018

We are all Each Other’s Angels and Demons

There is no real rest in life.  There’s a path, but how many of us are really ever on it for and extended amount of time?  It’s narrow and tenuous.  Hopefully, it’s forgiving.
   What follows is that you need a fundamental understanding in order to endure.  You need to know your truth.  So many of us don’t.  Or have lost our way.  It’s easy to know when you’ve lost your way.  You feel sad.  Or angry.  Hurt.  Diseased.  You need help.  You feel guilty.  Lonely.  Out of control.  Scared.  
   None of these are bad and we all feel them.  Judging them in yourself or in others is hypocritical.  These are moments we really need to stop acting.  Withdraw and breathe.  Count.  Talk it through with someone close.  Get back into a present moment.  Find the now.
   It won’t solve the problems.  It will stop you from making them worse.  If you’re not in control, or coming from a “good place” you shouldn’t drive.  And you do drive.  You drive the course of your life.
   The universe speaks to us though.  We know this.  If you don’t, access the now a little harder.  You’re life isn’t yours as you are now to create, but it is yours to observe and respond to.  Do that long enough and you’ll see.  Feeling negative?  Pay attention to the negative you put out there.  Your thoughts, words, actions.  Feeling alone?  Whose hand have you held with unconditional love and acceptance recently?  Feeling angry?  Who have you angered?  Whose anger have you sullied?  This is where you can pull on the truths of the greats: Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Lao Tzu, etc.  They heard the universe.  They listened.  But many many others have too.  We are all each other’s angels and demons.  Whether we are ultimately in Heaven, or Hell, some computer program, or the cell of some child’s bubble.  If you stop and listen, love and really know and feel how much we don’t know, you’ll stop judging.  Stop playing god, and be one.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

The Verse

So if we could build virtual reality, we would. And if we did, we wouldn’t know.  So if we can, we likely have and here we are.

In addition to that disturbing realization, in all our considerable searching, we’ve found few answers.  Only more questions, from quantum fuzziness to astrological infinity endure.  It’s almost as if it’s designed to keep us busy.  

How suspect.

What I realize as I accept that I may be in Hell, or maybe I’ve finally evolved from motherless child to mother, I can see the motivation to go on building, creating for creating’s sake.  I could feel for an eternal god who does not know everything.  Or, who knows as much as I do now, which is that I can do what I can so I do, and it’s better if I do so with love.  And genuine, tempered, curiosity.

It’s really still not the worse place to hang.  

Good and bad are still clear.  Love and hate are still real.  Growth and nightmare are everywhere.  The Verse still speaks in a whisper.

Progress looks different.  It’s no longer going further or cutting closer, being the best or the worst.  It’s not different from now or disingenuous.  It may still be love, growth, wisdom, and sustainability.  It may be experimental.  Curious.

Like a god in a playpen. Loved, nurtured and forgiven by it’s mother, infinit in it’s capabilities, but unaware of it’s origins - as of yet.


Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Opposite Sides of the Sun

I sometimes find the date by counting up from the last one that made an impression.  Today, it was ‘Friday, the 13th, Saturday-Sunday 14-15, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, 16, 17, 18... Mom’s birthday.’  Yeah, I’m in a poor me mode.  So what?  Sometimes, that’s just part of self love.  At least, it’s not the daily denial.

It was about 10:30 this morning when seconds after these thoughts I get a text from my oldest friend in the world.  “Thinking of you today.  Luv ya...”
There really are unmistakable connections made in the multiverse.  

Of the highs and lows lately, life’s been in a lull.  I don’t know why really.  It’s spring.  The air smells fresher.  The sun feels warm.  I face the usual challenges I’d like to think with a new maturity, but wanting it all so bad doesn’t always bring it.  I feel damaged.  I’m bored really.  Truth is life’s kinda just a little lonely.  Isn’t it “just one life to some” is actually “someone else’s whole life?”  I see that behind every news story every time.

My little one is about that age.  He’s the same age I was when my life stopped feeling infinite.  He hugs me as I leave but refuses to give me a kiss because that he feels it is my ticket to go.  We have these moments - moments that shock me as to how similar they are to my earliest memories - places I’m now stuck in and mulling over and over forever.  Only I’m on the other side of those moments now.  I try to make sure he knows that I love him; that I always forgive him.  I take care to leave no room for misunderstanding.  And every time I leave I fear the universe where I don’t return to him.

I can now remember more of her birthdays than she ever knew.  Such a beautiful day to be born; April 18th.  Exactly 6 months from my own birthday.  We both began I guess on opposite sides of the sun.  Makes sense now somehow.  Most important person in the world to me.  Yet I can never see her.

Ah... Mom.  I have a mother-in-law now that even one of my own stepmothers call my “mother” even today.  I even am a mother now of two, but no one ever took your place, Mom.  I know that now.  No one ever loved me like you did.  My whole world stopped the day we parted.  I’m now long passed ever hoping I could recover.  It kind of feels like already being dead sometimes.

So today I give in.  I grieve.  I share.  Nobody can ever help.  Few ever really know.  No one connects.  I guess it doesn’t matter to anyone else anyway.  So much so lost.  I can’t fix it or even figure it out.  But I will always always remember you.  
May that somehow mean something to someone somewhere.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Life, Heaven or Hell?

Ok.  Face your fears and come with me on a trip through my spiritual journeys and the many authors that lead me here:

What if we are all actually in Hell?  Hell, as I most simply heard it defined is “without God.”  It could easily manifest as a lake a fire or crowd of shadowed torturers.  Pick your nightmare.  Doesn’t matter.  Imagine all of us currently in this life are caught in a Matrix sustained by our own imperfect minds manifesting our own realities and only glimpsing the occasional momentary escape in love or laughter, ecstasy, meditation or prayer.  Every person we meet

 - every single person -

is either going about their lives as though God doesn’t exist or Gods are irrelevant or arguing over who’s flawed idea of God is best.  I have multiple issues with the God or gods I’ve been introduced to, so what if I’m a god?  As a mere thought experiment this works.  You saw “What Dreams May Come” right?  Millions of people here writhing around in our own bubbles with God or reality, Heaven or maybe even a kind of eternal us just outside our bubbles helling, teaching, whispering all around us.

Every “righteous” person bearing signs of our (not their) doom is actually breaking their own rules of judgement and standing next to us in hell - a true fellow sinner in a way Abraham, Mohammed, and Jesus explained but I never really internalized before.  Nobody above or below, and yet everyone is.  Ever see a person glow? (James Redfield, Celestine Prophesy) Other people could be demons, or angels, or messengers.

And, what if it truly is a VERY narrow path we walk to Heaven?  We walk it with every choice we make as we navigate through this Multiverse.  Every sin, every judgement trips us up.

- every single thought (Eckhart Tolle) -

- every single definition (Robert M. Pirsig) -

- every label -

can actually steer us wrongly.

What if we have never really “lived?”  All this is actually a dream (Bishop Berkeley) or we died and it is a dream now at least as many near-death-experiencers have described?  And the lower you are in the Inferno (the smarter, sweeter, most intellectually and emotionally invested you are) the harder it is to break through the illusion.  Doesn’t all that truly fit?

But, doesn’t it also have the effect of casting a ethereal light on even the most totally mundane?  Doesn’t it truly make you want to embrace your enemies knowing they’re simply manifestations of either the real you or God or someone who loves you trying to wake you from your own nightmare?

Doesn’t it compel you to speak to your loves your every  truth right away?  Doesn’t it wake you up to listen and talk almost directly to this universe/multiverse/self/God//energy/love?  - trusting your actual life (as much as you can get your regular self out of the way) not simply waiting for synchronicity but knowing it will answer you right away if not directly than through a kind of symbolism only you can decipher?  It’s speaking, however, in the language of our lives when we stay on the path.  Nothing here is new, and yet for me everything is.  Because as much as it’s like I can feel Hell - I can also see Heaven.  Can you?

Monday, August 21, 2017

Truth, the Fine Line, a Collective Phallus, the Magic of Sustainability

I think there's some truth to the argument that statues and free speech are being threatened in this country.  I think the demographic is changing, and whites are at an unprecedented economic loss ...akin to what everybody else is more or less used to dealing with.  I think their plight deserves to be aired, noted, and forgiven.  I even think now is a good time even if their public presence calls out others.  The stark reality is that they couldn't mobilize a majority (even if they could sway an election). 
  I think some have a point in that they feel their religion teaches that abortion is murder, and one should have a right to not only practice that religion and believe in that religion, but also vote in accordance with what they believe that religion recommends one vote.  Freedom of religion is a central ideology in this country installed in response to some horrific persecutions not unlike The Inquisition and The Crusades.  We know how bad not having that can get.  
   And I think religion is being strangled in that education leads most to shed the confines of their youth often in light of the many truths other religions offer, and the short cited ignorance and gargantuan atrocities committed by their own.  I'm aware I speak as a product of that but that my voice would be silenced in any other universe.
   The fact remains that kids are having sex, women are being raped, and men are becoming terrorists.  Laws are being used to oppress.  Population needs to be controlled.  Violence benefits no one but the unseen.  
   These guys, they're confused, mislead, alienated.  They can't live up to the abundance of their fathers and they don't realize none of us can or ever could.  They only hear how they aren't good enough and they're wrong or responsible.  They think when we call out privilege that there's some stack of money they were supposed to get and be apologetic for.  They think that got stolen somewhere and they don't see that the US used the "free" labor of slavery to stockpile a collective phallus.  It's sad really.  Now we're left with a castrated majority and an imminent threat of nuclear war.
   Hate, violence - it won't get anywhere.  So much fear and judgement... I just refuse to deem any one person "bad" or "good" and not because any god tells me so.  Just because it's ignorant.  
   Each of us need to seek happiness - focus on it.  Feed it.  Sometimes you can find that in protest.  Sometimes you'll find only fear, hatred and ignorance there.  DT's inadvertently right (and I'm sure he didn't mean to be).  But there are many sides to all this.
   It took a walk on a very fine line for us to get here.  It'll be just as fine to make it out.  I know I won't last forever and only what I do for others will mean anything.  I also know only the strong survive.  That's the line we walk.  "Right" and "wrong" will wind up becoming what is sustainable, and what will end it all.  Violence, hatred, judgement and fear are all emotions that signal a wrong step.  

Monday, July 10, 2017

Positivity Challenge

I just can't help but notice lately how there are two versions of just about everybody I know.  I named this blog "Life through Rainbow Windows" for a number of reasons, but one is because rainbow means love to me.  When you look at a person through love, they bloom.  They blossom.  It's when we let negativity plant itself that deterioration corrodes it all.  When we expect the worst, we get what we asked for.
I'm an honest person.  I'm sensitive, but also insensitive.  I readily make and admit my mistakes, and I forgive others who admit to them.  I have a real problem when people just can't fess up, and there are a lot of people out there who are so scared to be vulnerable.  I'm not afraid of anything so I'll push it all as far as I can if I think I'm right.  And I do not like to talk about myself like this.  But it's relevant right now.
I believe that now more than ever before my fate and the fate of my family and friends and world are in my hands.  I can instantly feel the difference one slip up makes.  And I believe I am here merely because of my merits.  And I believe you are too.  
None of this should be happening.  It's absolutely clear that the world is in a kind of calm chaos on a daily precipice, that society is in a nosedive, and that there is so much crap we need to learn and do right right now.
Some of the things I'm sure we need to do is stop judging each other.  If you can't see the good in someone, let them be.  If they can't see the good in you same thing!  Follow your heart because it's positive.  Let go of all hate.  Do it for a week.  Just try.  Just wake up and do good, or at least no harm.  
My wife and I are moving and it's challenging.  Some say for stress level it's out done only by death!  Lately, I've often seen her caving to her negativity but tonight I challenged her to a week of positivity.  One week I told her no negativity could escape her lips.  And you know what?  She accepted!  Right then and there I saw love and rainbows.  I know this is gonna be awesome and I only wish I could get everybody to try it.  So I'm gonna chronicle it here.  Positivity means try to look on everyone with love. When someone pisses you off imagine how you'd feel if it was the person you love most in this world.  Our enemies are here to teach us but our loves are here to guide us!  Use them to demonstrate your own heart to you.  We create the world we live in.  Let's get busy!

Monday, May 15, 2017

Brotherly Love

So proud of my little guys on so many levels.  Most of you know we're likely moving soon and we've been worried about the transition from one school to another, one neighborhood to another.  So we've been attending some neighborhood events in the new area to ease everybody in.  We're going from one school where both boys are well known and seemingly well loved to another, entirely new, scary environment.  Well, tonight Kody launched in with his usual enthusiasm and quickly found himself on stage with a Harlem Globetrotter solely representing "boys" in a series of constructed basketball tricks against "girls" (one girl also representing).  Being entirely new to basketball did not thwart my little guy one bit.  He rocked it, won the entire crowd's approval for the boys and then went around humbly apologizing to all us girls (for beating us so swiftly!)  He's already won a few hearts there and it's only his third visit.
Immediately after these efforts I was pleased to see him seek out his brother (who had missed the spectacle engaged in his own endeavors).  He ran up to Niky quickly anxiously relating the whole story catching him up to speed.  But Niky didn't respond right away.  Kody moved on but brought it up later to me in the car.  He wondered out loud why Niky had acted so standoffish.  His meanderings were interesting, complex and likely dead on.  They even prompted me to ask Niky later on if they were true.  Was there embarrassment?  Jealousy perhaps?  Did he just not value or consider the story a bit braggy?  Or boring?
Niky, took in what I was saying quietly but offered me less than he had Kody originally.  I spoke a little more mentioning how much his brother had wanted to share this story with him and how jealous I felt of a close relationship like that.  I mean one can have friends, etc.  But a brother is bound to be an important person in life.  Things got quiet and I almost forgot all about my own speech. I was almost asleep in fact when Niky starts talking through tears about how he should have responded better to Kody and how he's so sorry now.
Could anyone ask for better kids than these?