Saturday, December 16, 2017

Life, Heaven or Hell?

Ok.  Face your fears and come with me on a trip through my spiritual journeys and the many authors that lead me here:

What if we are all actually in Hell?  Hell, as I most simply heard it defined is “without God.”  It could easily manifest as a lake a fire or crowd of shadowed torturers.  Pick your nightmare.  Doesn’t matter.  Imagine all of us currently in this life caught are in a Matrix sustained by our own imperfect minds manifesting our own realities and only glimpsing the occasional momentary escape in love or laughter, ecstasy, meditation or prayer.  Every person we meet

 - every single person -

is either going about their lives as though God doesn’t exist or Gods are irrelevant or arguing over who’s flawed idea of God is best.  I have multiple issues with the God or gods I’ve been introduced to, so what if I’m a god?  As a mere thought experiment this works.  You saw “What Dreams May Come” right?  Millions of people here writhing around in our own bubbles with God or reality, Heaven or maybe even a kind of eternal us just outside our bubbles helling, teaching, whispering all around us.

Every “righteous” person baring signs of our (not their) doom is actually breaking their own rules of judgement and standing next to us in hell - a true fellow sinner in a way Abraham, Mohammed, and Jesus explained but I never really internalized before.  Nobody above or below, and yet everyone is.  Ever see a person glow? (James Redfield, Celestine Prophesy) Other people could be demons, or angels, or messengers.

And, what if it truly is a VERY narrow path we walk to Heaven?  We walk it with every choice we make as we navigate through this Multiverse.  Every sin, every judgement trips us up.

- every single thought (Eckhart Tolle) -

- every single definition (Robert M. Pirsig) -

- every label -

can actually steer us wrongly.

What if we have never really “lived?”  All this is actually a dream (Bishop Berkeley) or we died and it is a dream now at least as many near-death-experiencers have described?  And the lower you are in the Inferno (the smarter, sweeter, most intellectually and emotionally invested you are) the harder it is to break through the illusion.  Doesn’t all that truly fit?

But, doesn’t it also have the effect of casting a ethereal light on even the most totally mundane?  Doesn’t it truly make you want to embrace your enemies knowing they’re simply manifestations of either the real you or God or someone who loves you trying to wake you from your own nightmare?

Doesn’t it compel you to speak to your loves your every  truth right away?  Doesn’t it wake you up to listen and talk almost directly to this universe/multiverse/self/God//energy/love?  - trusting your actual life (as much as you can get your regular self out of the way) not simply waiting for synchronicity but knowing it will answer you right away if not directly than through a kind of symbolism only you can decipher?  It’s speaking, however, in the language of our lives when we stay on the path.  Nothing here is new, and yet for me everything is.  Because as much as it’s like I can feel Hell - I can also see Heaven.  Can you?

Monday, August 21, 2017

Truth, the Fine Line, a Collective Phallus, the Magic of Sustainability

I think there's some truth to the argument that statues and free speech are being threatened in this country.  I think the demographic is changing, and whites are at an unprecedented economic loss ...akin to what everybody else is more or less used to dealing with.  I think their plight deserves to be aired, noted, and forgiven.  I even think now is a good time even if their public presence calls out others.  The stark reality is that they couldn't mobilize a majority (even if they could sway an election). 
  I think some have a point in that they feel their religion teaches that abortion is murder, and one should have a right to not only practice that religion and believe in that religion, but also vote in accordance with what they believe that religion recommends one vote.  Freedom of religion is a central ideology in this country installed in response to some horrific persecutions not unlike The Inquisition and The Crusades.  We know how bad not having that can get.  
   And I think religion is being strangled in that education leads most to shed the confines of their youth often in light of the many truths other religions offer, and the short cited ignorance and gargantuan atrocities committed by their own.  I'm aware I speak as a product of that but that my voice would be silenced in any other universe.
   The fact remains that kids are having sex, women are being raped, and men are becoming terrorists.  Laws are being used to oppress.  Population needs to be controlled.  Violence benefits no one but the unseen.  
   These guys, they're confused, mislead, alienated.  They can't live up to the abundance of their fathers and they don't realize none of us can or ever could.  They only hear how they aren't good enough and they're wrong or responsible.  They think when we call out privilege that there's some stack of money they were supposed to get and be apologetic for.  They think that got stolen somewhere and they don't see that the US used the "free" labor of slavery to stockpile a collective phallus.  It's sad really.  Now we're left with a castrated majority and an imminent threat of nuclear war.
   Hate, violence - it won't get anywhere.  So much fear and judgement... I just refuse to deem any one person "bad" or "good" and not because any god tells me so.  Just because it's ignorant.  
   Each of us need to seek happiness - focus on it.  Feed it.  Sometimes you can find that in protest.  Sometimes you'll find only fear, hatred and ignorance there.  DT's inadvertently right (and I'm sure he didn't mean to be).  But there are many sides to all this.
   It took a walk on a very fine line for us to get here.  It'll be just as fine to make it out.  I know I won't last forever and only what I do for others will mean anything.  I also know only the strong survive.  That's the line we walk.  "Right" and "wrong" will wind up becoming what is sustainable, and what will end it all.  Violence, hatred, judgement and fear are all emotions that signal a wrong step.  

Monday, July 10, 2017

Positivity Challenge

I just can't help but notice lately how there are two versions of just about everybody I know.  I named this blog "Life through Rainbow Windows" for a number of reasons, but one is because rainbow means love to me.  When you look at a person through love, they bloom.  They blossom.  It's when we let negativity plant itself that deterioration corrodes it all.  When we expect the worst, we get what we asked for.
I'm an honest person.  I'm sensitive, but also insensitive.  I readily make and admit my mistakes, and I forgive others who admit to them.  I have a real problem when people just can't fess up, and there are a lot of people out there who are so scared to be vulnerable.  I'm not afraid of anything so I'll push it all as far as I can if I think I'm right.  And I do not like to talk about myself like this.  But it's relevant right now.
I believe that now more than ever before my fate and the fate of my family and friends and world are in my hands.  I can instantly feel the difference one slip up makes.  And I believe I am here merely because of my merits.  And I believe you are too.  
None of this should be happening.  It's absolutely clear that the world is in a kind of calm chaos on a daily precipice, that society is in a nosedive, and that there is so much crap we need to learn and do right right now.
Some of the things I'm sure we need to do is stop judging each other.  If you can't see the good in someone, let them be.  If they can't see the good in you same thing!  Follow your heart because it's positive.  Let go of all hate.  Do it for a week.  Just try.  Just wake up and do good, or at least no harm.  
My wife and I are moving and it's challenging.  Some say for stress level it's out done only by death!  Lately, I've often seen her caving to her negativity but tonight I challenged her to a week of positivity.  One week I told her no negativity could escape her lips.  And you know what?  She accepted!  Right then and there I saw love and rainbows.  I know this is gonna be awesome and I only wish I could get everybody to try it.  So I'm gonna chronicle it here.  Positivity means try to look on everyone with love. When someone pisses you off imagine how you'd feel if it was the person you love most in this world.  Our enemies are here to teach us but our loves are here to guide us!  Use them to demonstrate your own heart to you.  We create the world we live in.  Let's get busy!

Monday, May 15, 2017

Brotherly Love

So proud of my little guys on so many levels.  Most of you know we're likely moving soon and we've been worried about the transition from one school to another, one neighborhood to another.  So we've been attending some neighborhood events in the new area to ease everybody in.  We're going from one school where both boys are well known and seemingly well loved to another, entirely new, scary environment.  Well, tonight Kody launched in with his usual enthusiasm and quickly found himself on stage with a Harlem Globetrotter solely representing "boys" in a series of constructed basketball tricks against "girls" (one girl also representing).  Being entirely new to basketball did not thwart my little guy one bit.  He rocked it, won the entire crowd's approval for the boys and then went around humbly apologizing to all us girls (for beating us so swiftly!)  He's already won a few hearts there and it's only his third visit.
Immediately after these efforts I was pleased to see him seek out his brother (who had missed the spectacle engaged in his own endeavors).  He ran up to Niky quickly anxiously relating the whole story catching him up to speed.  But Niky didn't respond right away.  Kody moved on but brought it up later to me in the car.  He wondered out loud why Niky had acted so standoffish.  His meanderings were interesting, complex and likely dead on.  They even prompted me to ask Niky later on if they were true.  Was there embarrassment?  Jealousy perhaps?  Did he just not value or consider the story a bit braggy?  Or boring?
Niky, took in what I was saying quietly but offered me less than he had Kody originally.  I spoke a little more mentioning how much his brother had wanted to share this story with him and how jealous I felt of a close relationship like that.  I mean one can have friends, etc.  But a brother is bound to be an important person in life.  Things got quiet and I almost forgot all about my own speech. I was almost asleep in fact when Niky starts talking through tears about how he should have responded better to Kody and how he's so sorry now.
Could anyone ask for better kids than these?

Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Mandela Effect

Ok, jumping off the deep end here.  But this is cool stuff.

I long time ago I saw a psychic.  She smiled, held my hand, told me my life's purpose and called me a survivor.  

I have always been strangely consumed with the notion that it could all end in a moment.  A friend suggested it may be because my mother died when I was a child, and quickly (hit by a car).

I remember wading through my teenage angst thinking I'd never see the ripe old age I write this from, and arguing with my new community college debate skills that the world was indeed on a precipice.  The fact that we had not perished in the Cold War was enough to claim miracle back then.

Somehow I managed to put my terror aside.  I think it was that skydive I shared with my wife honestly.  That experience propelled me into a life built on the courage to come out, to live, love, make mistakes, and be happy.  I even faced my ultimate fear - I had children!  All the while somehow keeping the certain knowledge of humanity's tenuous circumstance on back burner. 

But this election, relations with Russia, and China, North Korea, etc.  Suddenly, I'm terrified again.  But then, suddenly, this notion of a "Mandela Effect" made it's way into my consciousness. 

Now my family (and some friends) love poking fun at my notion that there is truth here, but I don't mind at all.  The fact remains, that this phenomenon has made me feel so much better about everything.  So much about it makes such perfect sense to me that I feel entirely rejuvenated in so many perfectly sound ways.

Sure, certain things are scary.  Control is gone.  Nothing - no thing is certain.  But life was like that for me any way.  Now at least, I have faith again.  Allow me to explain:

Some people are upset because they claim that they didn't get a vote in this.  If a few scientists at CERN decided to take a particle accelerator beyond an particular safety limit in an effort to explore what would happen, waiting for a vote from everybody couldn't have worked.  Beyond the mechanics of educating the planet on the fairly esoteric theories of quantum physics, there would have been the static of fear, religion and just general apathy.  The fact remains that the science was there.  Remember the atom bomb was invented by three different countries all around the same time.  The United States just got "lucky" enough to use it first.  Obviously then, and now, it was (and simply is) time.

And what perfect timing!  I don't know about you but all the doom and gloom of what nut is holding the nuclear codes was starting to wear me down!  We never had any control.  But the notion that this particle accelerator could potentially leap us into parallel universes, proving they exist, and propelling at least some forward is amazing!  Sign me up!  I'm in!  Let's do this.  If it's not true I so wish it is!

It potentially solves the energy crisis.  It offers possible escape from nuclear proliferation (and annihilation).  It brings back God if we want and in a way that annihilates judgement (for how fast could one judge another when the past for each keeps changing?)  

And here's an interesting theory: what if the changes made in each leap correct the extinction-level mistakes of the previous universe?  There's a story on the Net that allegedly demonstrates a few CERN scientists participating in a leap where the lead female "father" person (some secret illuminati whatever) appears to be the controlling force in the experiment, but also appears to disappear with the leap.  Now I don't know about whether there's any truth - to any of this for that matter.  But I have heard the story referenced by others (new survival skill?) and it sort of makes sense.  These scientists (if they are telling a truth) appear to perform their duties without full knowledge or power.  They appear to have no viable choice in carrying out their jobs to bring the accelerator beyond safety limits.  The leader appears to be the one making that decision.  So, if an extinction-level event was therefore created due to her choice, and the only universes to go on are the ones that can survive, doesn't it make sense then that she disappear?  

All in all I'm supremely jazzed.  I'm aware that the peculiar feelings associated with tiny changes like  Star Wars/Forrest Gump/Mr. Rogers dialogue, the spelling of Berenstein Bears, or pig tails on Ford logos will fade as I assimilate, and there are tremendous risks.  But how amazing is this crazy Multiverse?  How awesome is existence itself?  And my goodness, what's next?

Saturday, April 8, 2017

My Gifted Tin Man

I can still hear the thumping of my heart and see the room kinda whiten and slow down strobe style as the words came out of her mouth.  "P-D-D N-O-S" she'd said then. (She wouldn't now).  

My little one, my perfect little 1 year old boy who had started talking at 8 months, who would entertain us with his depiction of the Tin Man's dance routine from the Wizard of Oz, who had become everything to me... Was being boxed by this psychiatrist who was crushing our souls with these letters.  His stacking of the toys was apparently an indication.  His banging of a bottle against the floor.

She didn't care that he was breastfed.  She "knew" how we were taking it and assured us that there are "programs" for children "on the autism spectrum" and that many grow up to lead very regular "almost normal" lives.  

But she didn't know how much this child meant.  She didn't know that he hadn't just been made - he'd been designed by not even two but three!  She didn't know that so many of my friends had seen his charisma and intelligence already that they based their own kids' progress on how those kids measured up to mine.

But here I was facing a nightmare I'd only ever scarcely entertained a notion of.  That morning (as every morning for the past year and a half had been) had been perfect.  The redemption (it felt like) of a less-than-happy childhood of my own.  All that hope was gone now in the time it took for a stranger to sum up my child and mouth the letters P-D-D... my heart stopped.  Everything felt gone.

   It wasn't though.  

   Amy and I were no strangers to autism.  Amy was already a special education teacher in a District 75 12:1:1 classroom, and I had subbed at a school with her for a time before college.  I'd also taught at a day habilitation for adults.  I knew what autism looked like.  I was a teacher and I knew.

I didn't.

   But I learned!

I watched in awe of my wife as she tailored 5Xs 30 Speech,  3Xs 30 OT, 3Xs 30 PT on top of 30 hours a week ABA.  Letters and numbers entirely new acronyms bounced off the walls of my mind all the time without my comprehending any of them.  Before he was 2 my boy worked more hours a day than I did!  We were bombarded with strangers in our house who became our new best friends.  We pushed away all old as we learned they were all too happy to go.  At first (meaning days after his diagnosis) he got worse.  Suddenly he was stimming!  Maybe it was only just then that we noticed?  We couldn't get him to sit still for a picture.  We realized we hadn't in a really long time.  And we were hyper aware of this new thing (to me) called "joint attention" he so blatantly lacked.  I went back to school and got my sped license.  

I would love to make this long story short.  But it was years of a kind of agonizing tension on all our routines, our values, our relationship (80% fail under this stress), our hopes, dreams and quite honestly and in many different ways, our very souls.  

But things got better.  I learned that autism is a spectrum.  I learned how much we are all only just learning.  I learned that autism can be a kind of trajectory.  A child doesn't make eye contact easily.  That child misses social cues.  Others misinterpret and avoid the child.  This in turn hurts the child's opportunities to learn from those others.  Early Intervention teachers then swoop in and supplement as much as they possibly can while the child goes through this.  They work together as a team to help the child, teach the parents, and indeed help the parents teach the child.  I felt like I was being cared for by angels when I hadn't the strength to even care for myself, let alone my boy, my broken hearted wife, or our newborn.

   In time, he caught up.  He got into a NEST program at school.  He fought through the despair of realizing he wasn't like everybody else.  He learned to sort through his emotions and behaviors.  He reads and writes on grade level.  He performs in talent shows.  With certain supports, he makes friends.

   The other day I received news that he and his little brother made the Gifted and Talented program.  Both scored over 90% on a test administered to the best and the brightest.  And next month he plays the Tin Man in his second play, a part he's been mentally practicing for years.  It won't be hard for him however.  This guy knows how to act like he doesn't have what he needs inside.  He's awesome and has always been a born entertainer.

   Never lose heart.  

Friday, March 31, 2017

Interview with my son about not having a dad.

Interviewing Actor/Comedian Extraordinaire, Kody!

Do you feel any different having two moms?
Yeah - one of a kind.
Do any of the kids at school care?
No.  When I was a kid I thought you were a dad, Mom.  
Yeah I know.  I wasn't too happy about that I remember.
But you weren't a dad.  
What do you think would be different about me if I was a dad as opposed to my being a mom?
You wouldn't be as loving
...and you would pick your nose like me because all men pick their noses.  I heard that from the movie Frozen.

Ah Disney.  How you corrupt our young!